Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The POKE button is getting old on Facebook, I want to see a CHOKE or BODY SLAM option!

   Deer Jesse James, Thank You. From, Tiger Woods

   now answering the phone at work with the following greeting: "Mercy Hospital, Psychiatric Ward, Dr. Lechter speaking..."

   On the road to success, and whoever in my way.............ROADKILL.......

   Some people think it's wrong I refer to a co-worker as "the little abortion that got away."

   will take "same sh*t different day" for $200.00, please

   madder than a midget without a show on TLC.

   A girl who wants nothing deserves everything...A girl who wants everything deserves nothing

   feels it's "BEER O'CLOCK"

   I've learned that if you say you're a bad liar, you can pretty much lie about anything.

   so sick she feels like Katy Perry..so hot and then cold..

   I'm pretty sure if I washed my face like the girls on face wash commercials, my roommates would be really pissed about the puddles all over the bathroom floor.

   Sometimes I give my kids random punishments and when they ask why I tell them, "You know what you did!" When they don't argue back I know it was justified.

   If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't follow. I'd be at the bottom to catch them when they fall.

   naked picturs of the Queen!......OOOPS! this is'nt Google

   I hate when women fish for compliments by mentioning that they've gained a few pounds. I don't bite. Instead I offer, "yeah, maybe you're pregnant."

   Never say "maybe" to a kid. All they hear is "I swear on my life that this will definitely happen."

   went to a massage parlor today and asked for a happy ending, the lady looked at me and said "The Princess kissed the Frog, and turned in to a prince and they lived hapily every after" that will be a 100 bucks thank you,

   To the producers of Tylenol cherry-flavored cough syrup, HAVE you ever tasted a cherry before??

   I text u, you take 30 mins to reply, I'm with u, ur hands r glued to ur phone....