Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Get away from me! What am i? Flypaper for freaks?

   i would punch you in the face. But you Don't even deserve that

   wonders why who jog regularly cannot get through the day without telling someone how far they ran? Notice they have to sneak it into the conversation or they'll burst

   If only I had alzheimer's , then I too could join the easter egg hunt. :(

   Don't you just hate how some ppl get all crazy over a movie???? Like they think there is real life vampires out there who just stay up all night watching you sleep

   Lindt have just released the CHOCOLATE COATED TAMPON..... (but only for the EASTER PERIOD)

   ur mama is so poor she runs after a garbage truck with shopping list

   Channel 5 just showed a graph of the "Top 5 Wettest Months", but surprisingly, the month 'New Moon' came out was not on the list.

   I'm what you might call an "incurable romantic". Although that's not the term they use at the Free Clinic.

   It said in the paper 'Sex pest wanted by Police', I rang up to see what the hours were

   Yes I know that "IMHO" means "In my humble opinion." In my humble opinion you are calling yourself a ho every time I read it.

   Those 7 dwarfs mine 100 karat diamonds all day and still live in a $hitty little cottage. What the hell are they saving up for?

   I wonder if tennis ballboys brag about their "gets" to each other. "You see that? I grabbed the $hit out of that ball! School's in session, boys. I am lightning!"

   I'm always caught a little off guard when an airport security checkpoint worker shows symptoms of having a personality.

   At the end of each work day, I have a strong urge to sidekick the elevator down button, suppressed only by my desire to maintain employment

   The bad news is that Tiger Woods and Jesse James admit to being sex addicts. The good news is that there's a club for that called The Rest of the World. They meet daily with other people with unique problems like "I work too hard for not enough money."

   Inefficiency: Getting a letter in the mail saying a census is coming next week, then a census form a week later, then a postcard a week later saying a census came a week earlier.

   Went to see Hot Tub Time Machine... turned out to be raunchy, simple-minded, sophomoric, crude, brainless, poorly executed slapstick. Yep, it was right in my wheelhouse.

   Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna' be a great day.

   "Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure"