Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wished I could teach you.... but you cant teach "awesomeness," so just hang out in the back and watch me work!

   I'm not good in relationships.My last relationship ended when I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam up to the surface.

   heard the Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter so fast that it can actually photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

   thinking she got sick from reading all those statuses of others being sick, next time please cover your statuses when you write...Thank you

   I'm not a nag. I'm a motivational speaker.

   Hopes that the "band" Owl-City are driving around in a recalled Toyota.

   wishes the world was her own personal globe, one good spin and "certain people" would fall off!!!

   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

   If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

   Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

   Guys are like a snow storm, you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.

   The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

   I thought I loved her. Then I went to to strip joint. I never returned home.

   beer may not be the answer but it helps you forget the question

   saw a girl with a sweatshirt that said Abercrombie and Fitch. So I introduced myself..apparently that was not the names of her breasts..OUCH!!

   I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, "Did you know it's time for your annual check-up?" No, but now my mailman does.

   the groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, did NOT see his shadow, meaning six more weeks of winter. In related news, George W. Bush was spotted blotting out the sun over North America this morning.....I'm sure he'll catch the blame, regardless.

   lets flip a coin....heads I get tail and tails I get head!!

   "Some people say that one's personality is reflected off of their car... Well, I have no car."