Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   for my next magic trick, I need a condom and a volunteer.

   if I can't be skinny....then please make all my friends fat!!

   only took steroids for health purposes.

   Wants to help Haiiti since they helped us out so much during Katrina

   just ate a Beefy 5 Layer Burrito at Taco Bell for lunch. A guy that works there gives them to me for $0.89 each. He must like me or something.

   "This page intentionally left blank" -phone bill, page 56

   Two doctors are talking, one asks the other one "Can I borrow your Dictaphone" the other replied "No, you have to use your finger like everyone else!"

   Joan rivers was reportedly very angry the other day because she was prevented from entering the country by airline security. Man, you should have seen the face she wanted to make.

   ESPN has announced that they are launching a 3D sports network. Industry analysts say this will absolutely revolutionize the way Americans don't watch soccer.

   The U.S. is always helping out other countries in their time of need, well I think its safe to say that the U.S. needs help....were's our relief funds?!

   ohhh I have 2 headaches, and being a guy I can only supply enough blood to one of them..... sigh

   No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed

   quotes, "The two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change." ~ Seth MacFarlane (Family Guy)

   "I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead."

   thinks that you can only be young once, but you can always be immature.

   a justification for procrastination. Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow. Delay may give clearer light as to what is best to be done.

   thinks Ty Pennington and Extreme Makeover Home Edition has a couple years worth of shows in Haiti

   needs some more girl's phone numbers so far I have my mom's, grandma's, and aunt's.

   gave old clothes for Haïti today. It's not much but it's much more helpful than prayers. People in Haïti don't need your useless prayers. They need concrete help!

   can't get this nicorette stuff lit.