Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This Christmas, let's put misteltoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our ass!

   I saw an unemployed,homeless dwarf. He had a sign that said "No job. Too small."

   Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

   Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out & my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.

   If you were this awesome, your name would be X as well.

   Let's put the kid's to bed and play with the box they came in!

   I was wrapping Christmas presents for various people;17 to be exact. It wasn't until I placed the last present on top of the stack that I realized I didn't put gift tags on any of them. FML

   dear Santa, let me explain...

   I wonder if crematoriums give discount to people who die in a fire?

   If sex is a pain in the arse,then you're doing it wrong.

   I knew that I could outdrive Tiger Woods

   - Ok, so you say I shouldn't drink and drive. I understand that part, but then how the f*#@ am I supposed to get home?

   When the story first broke…and the police said they couldn't figure out where Tiger was going at 2:30 Friday morning…was I the only one thinking, ‘Hello!?!?! Walmart!!!'

   says I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

   going over his plans for world domination and all those who have crossed him in the past will be unmercifully slaughtered....have a great day!!

   Erm, Dear Santa, let me explain... the money was only resting in my account, and that thing with the elves , I have destroyed the negatives so you can be rest assured I will not black mail you for any pressies this year, been a good run, 30 plus years...

   1 day of coal for 364 of fun... I'll take my chances

   If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose

   Paris Hilton is working on a new CD. I believe this one is called, "And You Thought the First One Sucked".