Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   approached a woman at the bar last night and asked her what she is looking for in a relationship. She yelled, "Security".

   may not be the prettiest flower in the garden, but at least i'm loved by some amazing people

   My mate is having a birthday soon. He doesn't drink,smoke or cheat on his girlfriend. I dont know how the hell we're going to celebrate it!

   Hey can anyone tell me what rhymes with "homicidal tendencies" thanks...

   thinks single-ply toilet paper should be a human rights violation.

   the best part of not having a life...is not having to worry about a mid-life crisis

   asks: What do Toronto Maple Leaf Fans do after they finally win the Stanley Cup? Put down the playstation and go to bed!!

   I saw a sign in a public toilet the other day. It said 'Please leave this toilet in the condition that you would have liked to have found it in.' So I left it with a porn magazine and a line of coke.

   Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage as they have wizened to the fact that for 200 grams of sausage, it's not worth buying the entire pig!

   I believe Adam Lambert would hold one in his jaw until the swelling goes down.

   so broke that if I had to pay a nickel to take a $h1t, I'd have to throw up.

   Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim, it's what's in my genes

   being boring is a choice. Those mild salsas and pleated khakis don't buy themselves.

   will publicly ridicule anyone caught reading "Going Rogue" I'm just throwing that out there. You've been warned.

   experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute

   wants to know how angry you are with him, on a scale of 1 to Chris Brown

   Remember when Ronald Reagan was president, we also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash still with us...now we have Obama and no hope and no cash

   could not take it anymore...I felt like the speaker was baiting me..so I threw my zima at his head and told them all...AA needs to tone this s***down a bit....and I left

   why did helen kellers dog run away?... you would too if your name was hhemirnemingefle

   what a lame bar...the drinks are weak, the mucis sucks, and all the women are like "I'm busy", "What do you want?", or "this is pottery class, sir!"...jeeze...