Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It wouldn't be a normal Sunday on the couch watching the Baltimore/Indianapolis game without the Erectile Dysfunction commercial. 4 hours? Goddamn.

   why do people on Facebook make a effort out of telling everybody in a huge paragraph how bad & boring their day was to make people feel sympathetic...Get over it, everybody has their bad days but maybe it would be better if you kept it to yourself.

   Blasphemy - the idea there's a superior being who can make the mountains, the oceans and the skies, but who still gets upset about something I said. He's an all-powerful being; he's just got self-esteem issues.

   When she came home I had laid a trail of roses to the bedroom...I had candles lit everywhere, jazz playing in the background and wine chilling with me waiting for her in my robe...now the next thing I need to do is introduce myself......

   If you try to fail and succeed which have you done?

   Whenever I date a woman, I think to myself, "Is this a woman that I want my children to spend every other weekend with?

   thinks my family is afraid of me cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I overheard them setting speed dials for the fire department, poison control...and the bomb squad...

   thinking the shortest book ever written was called negroes I have gone yachting with

   Taylor Swift wins over MICHAEL JACKSON?!? Where the heck is Kanye when you need him!

   Russia declared Wednesday a National Day of Conception to stimulate the birth rate. Any couple who gives birth nine months form now will win money and prizes. This is what countries without a Mexican border have to do to increase their population.

   still confused after one of the presenters on Children in Need said, "pick up your phone and pledge". I'm still sitting here with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other, wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do next.

   Daaaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home..

   everybody could learn a lesson from the weather.. It pays no attention to criticism

   has decided to unleash years of ninja training on the world =.= OR I'm just gonna eat supper and go to bed....hmmmm....well I guess the world is safe for another day

   If there were no such things as bears,what kind of hugs would we give?

   Female Black Widow spiders kill and eat their mate after mating...ya know, I think those bugs are really on to something! :)

   Why are women like clouds ? Because when they **** off its usually a nice day

   I was going to ask my wife for her honest view on sexist jokes..she was too busy cooking though.

   If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

   happier than Adam Lambert being dragged backwards through a cornfield