Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year, ..today I bought a 5lb bag.

   Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

   It used to be a sign that you were low on money when you took all of your loose change into the store. Today, because of a national coin shortage, I kinda felt like I was flaunting my wealth.

   Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

   The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

   Man claims his body only fights viruses on Saturdays and Sundays. His doctors say he has a weekend immune system.

   I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

   I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

   So I've been on a new diet I really seem to be working for me that's called "The cost of food"

   me: [being mauled to death by a werewolf] lol he probably smells my dog

   I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

   Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

   They just left Jeffrey Toobin hanging there.

   *Comes home with seven 5 lb bags of Halloween candy. Husband: Didn’t you see the email? There’s no trick or treating in the neighborhood this year. Me: I saw it.

   My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

   Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

   Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Sh$t” and a one and a two

   I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

   $1400.00 per child? Hold up Maury, I just might be the father after all.

   I slept like a log last night. ... Woke up in the fireplace!