Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook is comprised of psych0s. 49% make you think that their lives are the most perfect thing ever, and the other 49% make you think that their lives are the worst thing ever. The other 2% are you n' me.

   I have walrus-like reflexes! Basically I roll around my apartment and slap my belly when I want food

   The key to an unhealthy relationship is being with me.

   I'm not very good at human interaction. Would you mind leaving the room & texting me about this? Thanks.

   My wife didn't appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.

   You look so beautiful I forgot how bad your personality was.

   Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!

   You think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.

   I am not an alcoholic, I am a social drinker. I can't help it if I'm more social than the rest of you!!

   I am coming to grips with the statistical likelihood that I won't be winning tonight's Mega Millions®.

   I didn't come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.

   My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don't want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"

   Rest in peace Mr. Nimoy! You'll be missed =(

   Guess I guess I should get out of bed this morning, this world isn't going to dissapoint itself.

   The most interesting thing about me is my lack of interest.

   50 cents files for bankruptcy. That's all he had to his name

   Job interviewers like an applicant with confidence. Because without that, what's to destroy?

   One should not hide their feelings but rather hide the evidence.

   I was in the middle of a selfie and my mother walked in, now all she can say is "don't worry son everyone's doing that."

   I wonder how many awkward first dates Instagram filters have caused.