Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you get a Facebook friend request from Lizzie Borden, don't accept it or you will be hacked.

   Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.

   cooking tip: if your tired of always having to boil water everytime you have to make pasta,boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.......your welcome!

   We need more statues of naked women

   As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.

   Word of the Day: Gate Rape - An overly intrusive TSA screening at the airport.

   I want an app to mute nearby people.

   As far as my liver knows, today's my birthday....

   If you need me I'll be at Home Depot telling all the men what they're doing wrong.

   Once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

   Had to get rid of my memory foam mattress. It threatened to start talking....

   Imagine arriving in Heaven and finding out guacamole is still extra.

   I'm trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.

   FB Live? The whole point of Facebook was that we wouldn't have to see anyone live.

   I bet if Bon Jovi could turn back time he wouldn't do those gawd awful DirecTV commercials.

   If you don't think that time traveling is possible,, just start an argument with your wife.

   Done! Just completed my weekend to-do list from 2007.

   When I talk to myself,,, it's probably medically classified as Tourette's.

   Remember kids, with that Bachelors Degree you can run the fry machine, but with a Masters you can start as Assistant Manager.

   The wrist Kris Jenner broke in a car crash hopefully isn't the one she uses for gold digging.