Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing disturbs me more than the glorification of stupidity.

   No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

   All of these special little "holidays..." I heard they were gonna have a national "I Don't Give A Sh*t" day... But no one gave a sh*t so it never happened.

   Woke up this morning thinking "It's great to be alive!" Pulled in to work thinking "Just shoot me now....."

   " Your call is important to us followed by a 15 minute flute solo "

   Uni-Ball pens missed one hell of an endorsement opportunity with Lance Armstrong.

   Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere

   The only thing worse than being stuck behind someone driving less than the speed limit is being the passenger of someone driving less than the speed limit.

   If you get a Facebook friend request from Lizzie Borden, don't accept it or you will be hacked.

   Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.

   cooking tip: if your tired of always having to boil water everytime you have to make pasta,boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.......your welcome!

   We need more statues of naked women

   As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.

   Word of the Day: Gate Rape - An overly intrusive TSA screening at the airport.

   The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of her heart is not our fault.

   Sorry I followed your minivan for thirty miles. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ended.

   For a song called " piano man" dude with the harmonica won't shut the hell up

   At what point did Cardi B think to herself, "I'm tired of this life, I should try to be a singer," while she was dancing around the stripper pole?

   Netflix is raising their rates again, as if we weren't paying enough to endlessly scroll their menu finding nothing good to watch.

   I'm aware that Flesh-Eating Bacteria is terrible, but if anyone knows of a Fat-Eating bacteria I'm all ears.