Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There was a homeless man I was going to give a dollar to untill I read the sign he was holding that read "One day this could be you." So I put the dollar back in my pocket in case he may be right.

   "Let me clear my calendar for the royal wedding on 19th May" - said no one ever.

   Calm her down. Women love to be calmed down.

   My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...

   An apple a day is bull crap.... Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.

   Whenever I'm walking down the street and see a car stopped at a red light I like to wave until the person rolls their window down. Then I say, "You know, you can't park here."

   Just got my E-Harmony results. They match me with a computer, a chair, and a bottle of lotion.

   Life consists of avoiding people you have seen naked, while trying to find new people to see naked?

   Kids, here's how to get double candy on Halloween. Put on your costume. Then cover it with a sheet. Go to door the first time as ghost. Take sheet off go back again with other costume. Bam double candy. Happy Halloween.

   I want an app to mute nearby people.

   As far as my liver knows, today's my birthday....

   If you need me I'll be at Home Depot telling all the men what they're doing wrong.

   Once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

   Had to get rid of my memory foam mattress. It threatened to start talking....

   Imagine arriving in Heaven and finding out guacamole is still extra.

   I'm trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.

   FB Live? The whole point of Facebook was that we wouldn't have to see anyone live.

   I bet if Bon Jovi could turn back time he wouldn't do those gawd awful DirecTV commercials.

   If you don't think that time traveling is possible,, just start an argument with your wife.

   Done! Just completed my weekend to-do list from 2007.