Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saw a woman pushing her dressed up cat in a stroller. When are we going to take mental health seriously in this country?

   A leaf blower is specifically designed to make your problem someone else’s.

   someone stole my mood ring....and I'm just not sure how I feel about that

   Before you get serious with a girl, spend some time around her and her mom. You need to observe the future crazy before moving too fast.

   People who say "only God can judge me" don't know how Twitter trolls work.

   "Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president."

   I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.

   Some angry woman with road rage just yelled out her car window "I'm gonna make your life a living hell!" I yelled back "Thanks, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now..."

   I love snow – People who never shovel

   If Trump wins I'm leaving the country. If Hillary wins I'm leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.

   RIP Mainstream Media.

   If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your wife 3 glasses of wine.

   Named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

   Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.

   DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets

   DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.

   If you ever feel alone, just remember you can talk to the CIA using your phone or smart TV... #Vault7

   Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..

   If your single and starting to feel a little blue about the coming Valentines day to make you feel better just remember that Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beaten to death with a club and candy and cakes will be 50% off the day after 😊

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in...