Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's better to be kissed by a fool than be fooled by a kiss

   Hang out with people you want holding your hand when your heart stops.

   I'm not a professional caddy but Tiger Woods should have used a driver.

   A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth

   Sold my homing pigeon 142 times last year on eBay.

   The Lexus commercials with the Christmas bow on the car never show the pissed off wife yelling "You're an idiot Tom! We can't afford this!"

   Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?

   I’m all about unity between the human race and truly believe it’s time we all wake up and realize that we’re all in this together. But when a “artist” wins an award at the VMA’s and thanks God and Justin Bieber in the same breath... It makes

   Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?

   Patriot Act(342 pages) isn't patriotic. The Affordable Care Act(20,000 pages) isn't affordable, and The Net Neutrality Act(400 pages) won't be neutral. When the government tries to spin something as good, you should expect the exact opposite.

   How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.

   Not sure who will be performing at the Super Bowl half-time this season but I am already furious about it

   Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.

   If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

   There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

   Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

   You ever read a girl status and wished someone would just treat her right so she'd just stfu

   When I was younger I used to sneak out Of my home to go to parties, now I sneak away from parties to go home.

   When this is all over, we'll need to wear our masks backwards for 3 to 4 weeks to get our ears back to normal...

   From what I've been told by inside sources, Pete had the most votes in Iowa, but Bernie Sanders keeps insisting that they be distributed equally.