Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

   Judging by all of the rotten-tooth smiles I see in this town, they should put the Fluoride in the meth instead of the water.

   Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I'm 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.

   My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction.

   In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I've decided to keep the dust bunnies as decorations.

   Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

   I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

   I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.

   What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

   Mariah Carey didn't give the performance that 2016 wanted, but she gave the performance 2016 deserved.

   I finally found my girlfriends G spot.. Turns out her sister had it .

   How can Canadians be so nice and their geese be such a-holes??

   Not sure I'm going to heaven. At this point in my life, the best I can hope for is the low humidity section of hell.

   To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card & combine it with the expiration date and security code. What's yours?

   Why is it called "Planned Parenthood"? Since they provide birth control and abortions it should be called "Prevent Parenthood".

   Why is it that the people who say "You don't need 500 rounds of ammunition" are the same people who are buying 500 rolls of toilet paper?

   I can't believe it's riot season already. I still have my COVID19 decorations up.

   Politicians are constantly rated as among the most Un-Trustworthy people. So how come so many people actually believe every promise they make for when they become president? They should know that they are just going to prove the same point once again.

   It's like Canada is the concerned child watching her aging mother (Britain) and weirdo big brother (United States) descend into chaos in 2016, unsure who to worry over first.

   I thought a President you were suppose to FIX the problems facing the country ..... Not Make them WORSE!