Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Purell is the most expensive bottle of alcohol in the country.

   Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels

   Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

   When this COVID-19 thing is over, I don't want to see you post any memes saying you could live in a cabin without TV, Internet or your phone for a year for a $1,000,000. You couldn't stay in your own house for 5 days even to save your grandmother.

   Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

   Instead of Build Back Better, how about you just Put it Back the Way You Found it.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.

   Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.

   I love dieting I'm actually on 4 diets: Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.

   No one has more to say than the woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide.

   October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.

   Starting a new job feels like you’re a new character on the ninth season of a tv show.

   a married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy

   it just me or doesn't anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?

   For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours

   I'd like to put out an Amber alert for common sense...

   My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”

   If a US citizen lies to Congress, it's 20 years in federal prison, but if a US Congressperson lies to citizens, it's another 2 years in office