Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You mean you guys don't write for TV sitcoms either?

   Sometimes all you need in life is some really good sex.

   I was thinking earlier, thats all, just wanted everyone to know that it does happen from time to time........

   I dreamed I had sex with my ex last night. I swear she ruins everything.

   Doing a self breast exam. All I'm getting is a hard nipple. So I'm good right?

   The Judge denied Jerry Sandusky's request to serve 30-60 in a Juvenile Detention Center.

   5 symptoms of laziness --> 1.

   I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"

   “Who is this I just got a new phone?” Really means I didn’t bother to store your number because you aren’t that important.

   I'm glad Lassie wasnt my dog. I just want to watch TV, I don't want to be constantly rescuing people.

   Destroying my chances at getting elected to public office on Facebook post at a time.

   I bet the taliban is watching Honey Boo Boo saying "We can now watch them destroy themselves."

   Colorado Legalizes Marijuana and peyton manning buys 20 papa johns stores in Colorado! some people just get it!

   I noticed last night that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.

   So yesterday at about this time, I was all like, "I'm so thankful for my friends, my life, my freedom." Today...I'd risk prison punching you in the neck for a flat screen.

   I thought The Walking Dead was having a special tonight.... Turns out it was just The Rolling Stones performing at the 12/12/12 concert.

   Events like the death of the Indian gang-rape victim just help remind me why I hate humans so much.

   Kanye West must feel very conflicted right now. He's excited Kim is pregnant, but deep down he knows Beyonce had the best baby of all time.

   People say I’m sarcastic but I’m just investigating the effects of irony on morons.

   If I press 2 for Spanish, can I pay my bill in pesos?