Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I've been invited to a Post-Rapture looting event but I replied "Maybe attending" because I've also been invited to a Judgement Day event and I need to see how that goes before I decide for sure.... 
No one ever says, “It's only a game,” when their team is winning.
If you pull up to a red light and the car next is on their phone step on the gas and brake, and watch how far they go
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
The Devil came in all his glory to tempt and recruit me, realized who he was talking to, apologized, and asked me for a job application instead.
Work would be so much better if there was nap time, recess, and gym.
When moving walkways in airports warn me to watch my step because, "The walkway is coming to a end", my first thought is "I'm moving 2 mph, that is ridiculous." Then when I get to the end all I can think is "Oh crap, I better not mess this up."
On the list of things NOT to do today....play with killer whale.
How many mimes have died because no one believed they were choking..
Next year we should just skip to 2013. Problem solved and a cool story for the history books.
categorically denies all allegations......Next question
While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment.
Wanna play airport?
Victoria's Secret: objects in this t-shirt may be smaller than they appear.
You can't get on your feet until you get off your ass.
No matter how little I do in a day....I always feel like I could have done less.
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. ‘Please, I'll only put it in for a minute.' What am I, a microwave?
I made eye contact with someone in traffic and then didn't let them merge. I feel like a James Bond villain.
knows one thing about the speed of light -- It always gets here way too early in the morning. 