Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Either I am getting huge or Facebook decreased it's font size.

   thinking that Venti must be the Italian word for "you just paid an insane amount of money for a cup of coffee."

   Camping out for black friday is a fun way to prepare for your impending homelessness.

   Enjoy the little things in life, because one day, you'll look back and realize that they were actually big things.

   Stephen Hawking is British? Weird... I never noticed an accent.

   You know you're getting older when you start listening to AM talk radio.

   Do you remember Sit and Spin? No, not the toy... your early drinking days.

   Centers for Disease Control and Prevention posted a blog on their website on May 16 , 2011; concerning Zombie Apocalypse preparedness.... ummmmm is there something the Government not telling us ???

   Children are the gift that keeps on taking...

   had a very confident breakdown today. Wasn't nervous at all.

   When I drop my phone, I act like I've dropped a new born baby.

   If you're gonna blast music through your headphones so everyone can hear, do the rest of us a favor and ask for requests

   Stupid mistakes are made by others. I only make unavoidable errors

   Show me a man who calls himself a vegan and I'll show you a man who's trying to sleep with a vegan!

   Coffee spelled backwards is "eeffoc". Just know that I don't give eeffoc until I've had my morning coffee.

   I don't go to the mailbox because that's where the Responsibility Monster lives.

   I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

   Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?

   I cut the swooshes of my nike socks and sold them to my neighbours wife to use as eyebrows.

   I've been wracking my brain trying to remember that movie where Joe Pesci plays a hot-tempered little tough guy.