Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing...

   Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day... Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV,,, and you can sleep for an extra hour.

   How do you know if you're an attention seeking b*tch? Check your Facebook status, and if it reads something like 'having the worst day ever!" ... Bingo.

   Looks like Mother Nature is pulling Winter's Band-Aid off one hair at a time!

   Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?

   I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people's attention. I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini.

   I am sorry, I can't be a part of this diabolical act. Just kidding. I'll get the shovel.

   I don't hold grudges but my ignore game is beast mode

   all I know is that before I watched Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMA's, it didn't burn when I peed.

   Miley's a$$ is so flat it looks like a backwards cameltoe!!

   Taylor Swift seems like the kinda girl who would put her stuffed animals in another room when she has sex.

   Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn't hate.

   I hope Adele and Eminem never date, can you imagine what their breakup albums would be like!

   Bought one of those tennis racket looking bug zappers today. My god, where have you been all my life. What fun! Oooh, here comes the dog....

   I could probably beat Usain Bolt if we were both trying to get the last ice cream sandwich.

   Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they're dead.

   I'm so hungry I could drink 5 more beers.

   I'm single by choice. Not MY choice. But it's still a choice

   You can stop lifting weights now; it's actually your personality that nobody likes.

   if Da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20125215-00854.jpg"