Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What you just said, is one of the most idiotic things I have ever heard. Everyone is now dumber for having listened to it. May God have mercy on your soul.

   If she spits on her hot-dog before eating it, you are in for a treat my man.

   The secret to looking younger is telling people that you are older

   Going outside to vacuum the driveway. I do this every so often... just to ensure the neighbors never talk to me...

   If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.

   Her: So, are you seeing anyone? Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

   I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

   Facebook just suggested I poke my wife.....yeah good one Facebook.....been trying for weeks!

   “I got hairy legs that turn blond in the sun.” Nurse: Sure Joe, let’s go sign some more executive orders.

   I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.

   Have you ever been too nice and ended up in a situation that you could have avoided by just being an a$$h*le?

   Have you ever smelled moth balls? How did you get their little legs apart?

   The most blatant way to flaunt wealth, is to shoot a box of ammo at a plywood target.

   A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.

   The biggest mistake you make with us truth-seekers, is you think we want to be right. Trust me, we wish we were wrong.

   The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

   Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

   Tradition (n.) Peer pressure from dead people.

   We live in a time where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

   Her: What is this pile of clothes on the floor? Me: I struck down a Jedi. Her: I h*te you. Me: Yes, use your h*te.