Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Leap year on a hump day? Oh, the innuendo possibilities are endless...

   I bet most braille on public signs says: "How did you know this was here?"

   I call the bomb squad everytime a package is delivered at work so we can stand outside & bull sh$it the rest of the day.

   It's complicated" is just code for, "I'm willing to cheat."

   I sure do act like I know a lot for someone who falls over 3 or 4 times per week while putting on underwear

   I'm drinking coffee because people think you've got a problem if you drink vodka in the morning!

   Best Buy just announced plans to lay off 600 Geek Squad employees. In response, Geek Squad employees were like, “Phew, good thing I already live with my parents.”

   Don't wear the label people give you!! They only know you're name and not your story and one day eventually some of them will end up having to kiss your ass!!

   You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

   I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong

   I've just spent the past hour chasing a daddy long legs around my house... then I realised I had a crack in my glasses.

   Please don't try my patience. I already tried it and it doesn't work.

   Instead of Red Eye Reduction on camera's why can't they make one with double chin reduction? You can put a man on the moon, but....sheesh.

   It's hard to be naked and baked without wondering why the two words don't rhyme.

   "It's complicated" just means one person is all for it and the other person is riding the line.

   Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped.

   I went to fill out an application/job interview today. When I got to: "position applying for"........... I wrote "yours" followed by a " ;-) " and a "LOL." I think I NAILED it!!

   The wife asks "Do you wanna have sex or watch Top Chef?"... Apparently "Well, what are they cooking?" was the wrong answer

   There's nothing more exhilarating than playing air guitar in your underwear...

   After spending millions in research scientist still do not know exactly how long a cotton picking minute is.