Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

   just read that women are smarter than men. Really?! Have you ever met a man that "fell in" the toilet in the middle of the night?

   thinking...Am I the only one that finds it ironic that President Obama waited to interrupt network TV on Osama Bin Ladens death right before Donald Trump was about to fire someone on "The Celebrity Apprentice"?

   this morning there was ants all over my counter in the kitchen, I killed them all except one so he could go back tell his friends I'm serious about no ants in my house!

   If ur the type of guy who is embarrassed to pick up tampons for ur girlfriend, well live through just one "I'm late" false alarm buddy & the next time you will be skipping down the grocery aisle waving them over your head and shouting, "I've got tampons!"

   It's not a mood if your always in it... Then it's just your personality.

   I don't even have ex's, I have y's, as in why in the hell did I even mess with that.

   Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile smugly at my sparkling wit.

   Yes,I talk to myself..Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself..and the makeup sex is awesome.

   Be tender to the young, compassionate to the aged, tolerant with the weak. For in your life you will be all of these.

   I bet the passengers on the missing Malaysian airplane are racking up some serious reward miles, given all of the different directions they've been flying.

   Why do all you women brag about multi-tasking. You need to chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once

   Not to brag, but I can still fit into my highschool girlfriend.

   Dr. Huxtable was an OB/GYN with an office in his home basement. I mean, come on...

   To the untrained eye, I'm quite handsome.

   The older I get, the more I think I owe my parents an apology...

   Well I had close call lastnight! This girl I picked up at the bar, drove me back to her place. She looked like a lady, walked like a lady, even talked like a lady! But when she whipped into that parking spot perfectly.....I was like hold on somethings up!

   How do homeless people always seem to get the shopping cart that has all four good wheels?

   MAN: Hello! Is this 911? POLICE: Yes! What's Ur emergency??! MAN: Two girls are fighting over me! POLICE: What's wrong with that??! MAN: The ugly one is winning.... Hurry!!!

   The only person I'd ever take love advice from is that French candlestick from Beauty and the Beast.