Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can't believe kids this age are already so polite.

   When people ask me "Plz" because it's shorter than "Please" I tell them "No" because it's shorter than "Yes."

   Sometimes when I play a game on my computer ,the screen goes dark . and I see my own reflection in the screen and wonder what I am doin with my life ..then the next level starts.

   i'm not saying i'm batman but answer me this have you ever seen me and batman in the same room?

   I just dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

   I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!

   If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

   New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....

   Um...Food Network? Um, could you have a program that shows folks how to make fried chicken, meat loaf, mashed potatoes and things like that? Some of us don't like Duck's A$$ in Radicchio and Lobster Nutsack Glaze.

   Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.

   People who spread their germs make me sick.

   When I leave a store without buying anything all I can think is “act natural, you're innocent”.

   Do you ever go on Youtube just to watch a music video and then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?

   HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE: It takes 24,637 BOLTS to put a car together, but only one NUT to spread it all over the road. Don't Drink & Drive! 

   Instead of John I call my bathroom Jim, that way it sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing this morning.

   If you're reading this while camping out in front of Walmart. You're a douche bag.

   Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don't want her to meet her competition right away.

   how come the bus driver is the only one with a seatbelt?

   Excuse me lady in the checkout line in front of me purchasing both a box of condoms and a pregnancy test... How's your day going?

   Somebody please take Grandpa Biden's keys away before he drives us into a ditch. Oops, too late.