Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone's throat.

   To honor Hugh Heffner, all erections will be at half staff today

   I'm so glad my boss can't hear what I'm thinking.

   *coughs for 5 minutes straight* **checks for abs**

   I stopped eating natural foods when I found out that most people die from natural causes.

   I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas. Why don't they tell you these things in advance?

   [first date] she: i'm a cat person me, trying to impress: *pushes her phone off the table*

   I don't understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What's next, more things?? That's how they get you

   My wife finally broke our dog begging at the table. She let him taste her cooking.

   As a high school student, I think I was bitten by a radioactive sloth

   My shrink keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects. But what does he know? He's a lamp.

   I once was brave enough to shave my privates with a straight razor. But now I don't have the balls to do it again.

   My ex told me to get some of those tablets that should help me get an erection.........should have seen her face when I tossed her the slimming pills

   Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don't serve breakfast?

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway

   I want to start a support organization for pets that are forced to be emotional supports for humans

   If dentist make money from people with bad teeth. Why should we use a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 of them reconmend?

   I Went to the Valentine's day parade downtown, it was nothing more than a drunk guy wandering around with heart on.

   Money may not buy happiness. But it take the sting out of being miserable.

   The self checkout line was invented for a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.