Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

   The human soul weighs 1.3 lbs. I have no proof of this other than my friend who's an attorney saying that he weighed himself immediately before and after passing the Bar exam.

   I work very hard at my job but if the opportunity arises to become a rich housewife, I'm taking it.

   Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.

   "claims he worked like a dog"......i must be getting ripped off because my dog doesnt do any work at all around the house

   Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

   Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right? – Me, bra shopping

   Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

   My five stages of waking up: 1)Denial 2)Denial 3)Denial 4)Denial 5)Extreme hostility

   Her: do you have protection? MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

   Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”

   Just heard that flies spread disease. I always keep mine zipped.

   Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

   I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

   Executioner: Any last words Me: No, I’m – My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

   Wait…was it my left or your left? -me as a surgeon

   Anyone going early Black Friday shopping after the elections?

   Husband: We need to stop spending so much money. Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

   Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

   Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.