Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.

   Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

   Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.

   Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins! Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

   You can eat gluten-free, organic food without telling everyone at your table.

   [dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

   If I ever choke to death on Gummy Bears, please make sure it goes on record that I was killed by Bears.

   Fan theory suggest Finding Dory takes place in the same universe as Finding Nemo.

   "If you think Golden Corral is fine steakhouse dining, you just might be a redneck."

   If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I'm doing.

   1776: No Taxation Without Representation!!! 2016: No Commenting Without Liking!!!

   It's nice having dogs that continuously warn me about the nothing outside.

   .... Do you think ISIS cares about Pathetic Hashtags, Prayers or ... Candles? Wake up Earth!! They care not about you ....

   I'm old enough now to realize the only pork in "Pork and Beans" was an inedible piece of bacon fat

   I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.

   Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando in your life.

   Due to recent events, I'm deducting a full three stars from my Yelp review of Earth.

   Whenever my parents talk about "the good old days", they always seem to stop at 1990. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what?

   The U.S. birthrate is at an all-time low. The birthrate is now so low that "The Maury Povich Show" may have to cut back to just half an hour.

   It's been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I'm still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!