Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.

   Yesterday was a great day. The mailman delivered to me a Three Dog Night cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.

   It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.

   Bees build homes with their mouths and defend with their butts. Spiders build homes with their butts and defend with their mouths.

   Saying someone has a dry sense of humor implies the existence of wet senses of humor.

   You picture a lot more hair when you hear "Hair" as opposed to hearing "Hairs".

   I've just been promoted at my job as a bike mechanic. I'm now the spokesperson.

   We're looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

   Florida became a state on this day in 1845. The amazing thing is that most of Florida’s population was alive to witness it.

   Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return. ~Me flirting

   If the world was flat like some people say my girlfriend's cat would have pushed me off the edge years ago.

   Don't see why everyone is hording toilet paper for.... it does have 2 sides

   it me or do the birds and critters seem so much louder now - like their taunting us?

   Your quarantine name is your Amazon username and password.

   You'd think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they'd be able to reverse into a parking spot.

   Whoever stole my glasses you WILL be sorry, I have contacts!

   Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.

   The lady in front of me at Wal-mart has six kids and is buying a baby gate. I want to tell her a chastity belt might be a better use of the money.

   If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

   Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer? When are they going to start making condoms? asking for a friend.