Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can relate to pirates, because I too am after the booty.

   If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She's a keeper!

   What do Chick-Fil-A and Antonio Brown have in common? Neither one works on Sunday.

   i don’t like the person I become when i’m tracking a ups package

   The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.

   *Gets bit by spider* *I don't get powers* *Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

   The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.

   'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

   A Wednesday without rain is a Dry Hump Day.

   Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

   Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

   I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

   Marriage is just your spouse always standing in front of the drawer or cabinet you want to open.

   I have learned to protect myself against identity theft by keeping a low credit score and no money.

   When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

   I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering WTF it was protecting its eyes from

   Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a weird red haired son named Ronald who wore makeup, dropped acid, and talked to hamburgers and purple monsters.

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well

   When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

   A woman arrested for prostitution. Judge: How do you plead? Woman: Not guilty. I'm a sales woman. Judge: What do you sell ? Woman: Condoms with a free demontration.