Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they're empty.

   If you leave a bottle of Ritalin inside a Ford Fiesta it will become a Ford Focus.

   It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol.

   Are you tired of wal-mart rushing our holiday's? I can't believe it, They already have birthday cards out and it's still months away from my birthday!!!!

   Throwing out a stale donut today. Please respect my privacy at this very difficult time.

   I wonder what our parents did for fun before the internet.. I asked my 16 brothers and sisters, but none of them know .. weird !

   Maybe my parents never told me how proud they were of me because they didn't have Facebook back then?

   I enjoy having a full length mirror facing my bed so I can see all the sex I'm not having.

   Can't wait for the storage wars episode where they find dead bodies,,,

   You just know the aliens' cell phones are going to be nicer than ours.

   Being a nice person is so exhausting, which is why a$$holes always have so much energy.

   People think I'm uncoordinated until they see me get out of a hammock and then they know "uncoordinated" isn't a strong enough word.

   Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

   I don't even think it's possible for a bear to cook porridge.

   Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.

   Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you're under oath

   I'm thankful for the people who have the make of their car across their windshield, I've always wondered who made your '97 Civic

   The good thing about a cell phone is you can be reached wherever you are....the bad think about a cell phone is you can be reached wherever you are.

   Have you tried sitting on the bench? - my life coach

   So glad Facebook has changed the layout again!! - Said no one, ever...