Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hi you've reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn't be done over text

   My mom told me she had Five Guys for lunch today."

   Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...

   Recommended doses aren't the boss of me.

   Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.

   ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬...Oh the weather outside's delightful, the balance in my account is frightful, what happened to all my dough, I dunno, I dunno, I dunnnnoooooo...♪ ♫ ♩ ♬

   My New Year's resolution is to announce a bunch of grandiose plans & changes I want to make for the new year, but then seamlessly slide into the same destructive patterns that have kept me suppressed in a life of mediocrity for as long as I can remember.

   Doing yoga has given me more respect for all the positions I've put women in.

   It's like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.

   Nothing saves money like being antisocial.

   It's not that I'm judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.

   If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.

   After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.

   You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

   Lindsay Lohan was recently diagnosed with a rare mosquito-transmitted disease called Chikungunya. And the mosquito was diagnosed with alcohol poisoning...

   Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.

   I don't understand why guys are always wanting their girl to make them a sandwich after sex.... I'd just be happy if they gave me my money back.

   If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.

   People getting out of prison will probably be on Myspace now saying "Where's everybody at?"

   I’m pretty sure my dogs only sit in the window and watch me leave so they know when it is safe to sit on the couch.