Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Local artist" is just fancy talk for "stinky guy nobody likes."

   Sometimes, I feel like my life should be documented for future generations.

   When Zuckerberg's wife divorces him… I hope she takes the half of Facebook that has the timeline and security settings.

   Haven't seen David Blaine in a long time. I'd say it's his best trick ever.

   I think before we vote, we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what's REALLY on their minds.

   Why be fake when being real takes no effort at all?

   If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.

   Sometimes I want to ask certain people, "So you looked in the mirror and thought you looked good enough to go outside?"

   The Karma cafe has no menus. You get served what you deserve.

   A drunk man's reasoning; "What the hell, she's only ugly in the face"

   Mission Impossible 5: Marriage

   A beautiful woman in the cafeteria just gagged while eating her banana... She's now dead to me.

   There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I'll kill you all.

   I have NO idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.

   Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.

   I know a million ways to always pick the wrong thing to say! Hey... I'm multi-talented!! I can talk and piss you off at the same time!

   It's not that guys can't find the G-spot; we just like looking for it…a lot.

   Sometimes you can't tell if you're just in a bad mood or everyone around you is being annoying.

   I love my wife, and God bless her for packing my lunch. But when you whip out a fruit roll up on a construction site, you get looks!

   Talking about me behind my back? That means my life is obviously more interesting than yours.