Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dear homework, you are not attractive, and I'm so not doing you.

   SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: The amount of Alcohol consumed can directly increase the amount of facebook activity.

   We should handle everything in life like a Dog would... if you can't eat it or play with it then just pee on it and walk away.

   A woman knows she's wearing the right dress, when her man wants to take it off.

   People always demand to know who farted as if they'll decide how disgusted to be based on who's responsible.

   In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat.

   I understand that good things come to those who wait. Might I ask just how long the line is?

   When I was your age I lost my tooth..not my virginity...

   You moon the wrong person at the office as a joke just once, and suddenly you're not "professional" anymore.

   Pro tip: Before you tell her that you love her, make sure you're not horny, drunk, lonely, desperate, sad, angry, bored or hungry.

   Guys who say they like girls who don't wear makeup really mean they like girls that look really hot without the help of makeup.

   According to a story on the front page of The New York Times, Kanye West is marrying Kim Kardashian. The wedding is scheduled for June and the divorce is in July.

   If I ever go missing,,, I hope they put my photo on bottles of OCD medication, cuz you know those people won't stop looking.

   How is ''Doable'' anything but a compliment!!!

   I'm available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.

   I took my Cat and her six kittens to the Vet to get them spayed and neutered! The Vet asked ''Is the momma cat friendly?'' I said ''Well....Duh, How do you think we got in this mess in the first place!!!''

   When I was a child,I acted like a child and had imaginary friends,now they just call it facebook.

   Time to go out and pretend I'm putting up Christmas lights I never took down from last year.

   If a genie ever gives me a wish, I'm going to get a piggy back ride from Oprah.

   I bought a new dog and named her G-Spot. Now I can't find her.