Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   milk expires tomorrow, guess who's having 3 bowls of cereal tonight!:D

   Awww.... It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

   Okay everyone hold.... HOLD... we will slide down and all attack at once!" - Ice cubes in the bottom of a cup.

   Oh, you're engaged and in high school? I'm sure your marriage will last forever.

   I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone

   It's pretty sad when the highlight of a three hour football game is out staged by a red m&m."

   Fellas: Make it a Valentine's Day she'll always remember by simply forgetting it.

   I wish folks would stop these Passive Aggressive attempts at trying to guilt us into advancing their religious, social, or political causes by ending the posts with, "Let's see how many of my true friends will post this." PI$$ OFF!

   I'm so hungry I could eat something healthy.

   The less you give a damn, the happier you will be.

   People who try to get on camera in live news report backgrounds clearly haven't been punched enough in their lifetime.

   Let's call it erection day, since all we're doing is voting for a bunch of d!cks.

   WARNING: Life portrayed on Facebook maybe more screwed up than it appears.

   This dude working at Subway is looking at me like he's never had anybody ask him to put some Government Cheese on a sub sandwich before.

   It's funny how two females could hate one another because of a guy, but the guy doesn't give a damn about either one of them

   I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"

   Well, this morning has started out like a galloping golden retriever on a freshly waxed hardwood floor.

   In grade school it's called bullying but when you get older it's referred to as upper level management.

   Nothing says success like waking up at 6:00 pm.

   If you want to know anything, come over to my house...my wife apparently knows everything.