Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

   If I ever reach a point where the best part of waking up is foldgers in my cup....... I'm not sure I wana wake up

   - So what if I can't spell armaggedon?..... It's not the end of the world. .....

   thinks BEER is the answer. I have no idea what the hell the question was.

   I am used but in good condition

   spent yet another day successfully converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.

   Whoever came up with that "lift with your knees and not with your back" idea is an idiot. Everybody knows that when it comes to lifting, the best way to do it is with your HANDS.

   If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner??

   Drinking won't solve your problems, but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.

   Idiot-[id-ee-uht] noun: One who disagrees with me. Synonyms: Fool, Half-wit, Imbecile, Twit, Moron

   "I knew you'd be back." -The Drawing Board

   I hate when I fall into the trap of acting like I know something and then get asked follow-up questions.

   Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

   England fans : If it makes you feel any better, the cricket team is doing well against the Aussies...

   Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't..

   Sometimes I'll find out the actual lyrics to a song and then be sad I looked it up because I like my version better.

   Condom Ad: if you are not 100% satisfied with our product, Happy Father's Day!!

   Everybody get your flu shots now! Make sure all of your family and friends do too. Then I won't have to get one.

   I swear if this day gets any better, I'm gonna have to sit on my hands to keep from clapping!!!

   Thinks you should donate your opinions to goodwill. They are used to selling crap there anyways.