Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."

   Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.

   Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.

   After visiting the gov't healthcare site, I don't know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...

   Was just reading about the new 100 dollar bill design and wondered why I hadn't seen one yet. Then I realized it's because it's a 100 dollar bill.

   Some days I feel like the Allstate mayhem guy is following me.

   I can so admit when I'm wrong! And when that time comes, I will do just that.

   Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

   I'm only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

   Whooooooooooo lives in a pineapple under the sea ...O...S...A...M...A

   You are not essential for my survival so adjust your actions accordingly.

   I can talk to animals... they don't talk back but the stuff I say to them is still really cool.

   Don't waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.

   Women who keep complaining that All guys are the same should tell us something - Who asked you to try them all?

   Dear Google, They are only using you to get to me! Sincerely, Wikipedia.

   I don't confront people. I was raised right. I talk stuff behind their backs. It's called manners.

   • The craziest girls are the ones who seem the most normal at first.

   I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

   My girlfriend needs to start putting her cell phone and keys right next to all the things I've done wrong that she will never forget.

   my oven doesn't need a self-cleaning mode; my *bathroom* needs a self-cleaning mode.