Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was pîssëd when I found my wife's profile on a dating site. That lying bî†ch isn’t "fun to be around."

   I guess you could call her a trophy wife. She’s tattooed with the names of the previous winners.

   Woke up at 5 am. Early to bed early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Not to mention completely delusional about being healthy, wealthy, and wise.

   Okla. killer dies after botched execution. How long did it take his victim to die after being shot and buried alive?

   Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.

   Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.

   Some days I feel like the Allstate mayhem guy is following me.

   I can so admit when I'm wrong! And when that time comes, I will do just that.

   Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

   I'm only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

   Whooooooooooo lives in a pineapple under the sea ...O...S...A...M...A

   You are not essential for my survival so adjust your actions accordingly.

   I can talk to animals... they don't talk back but the stuff I say to them is still really cool.

   Don't waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.

   Women who keep complaining that All guys are the same should tell us something - Who asked you to try them all?

   Dear Google, They are only using you to get to me! Sincerely, Wikipedia.

   I don't confront people. I was raised right. I talk stuff behind their backs. It's called manners.

   • The craziest girls are the ones who seem the most normal at first.

   I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

   My girlfriend needs to start putting her cell phone and keys right next to all the things I've done wrong that she will never forget.