Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.

   One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.

   I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can't wait to show them to my wife!!

   My past is my past, it made me who I am, I have no regrets, wouldn't change a thing. I just don't live there anymore.

   I'm high tolerance and low maintenance. What more could you ask for in a girlfriend?

   I hate it when I invite people and they actually show up.

   Playing with my hair will get you anything you want.

   By the time most women are comfortable with their bodies, I'm not.

   There are the same number of people on Facebook today as there were people in the whole world in 1804

   What doesnt kill you......seriously disappoints me!

   Women, give them an inch and they'll want all eight.

   All alcohol will make my clothes fall off... tequila just makes that happen in public.

   Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.

   Question ? Do old lesbians try to look like Rod Stewart or does Rod Stewart try to look like an old lesbian?

   Robin Roberts announced she's g ay. In a related story, water announced is is wet...

   The NSA is the only government agency that still listens to US citizens.

   I am looking forward to the day when a figure skater is brave enough to come out as openly straight

   Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I'm like here's another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

   I would describe my dancing style as “Oh my god, is he having a seizure?”

   We just got a fax at work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.