Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I wasn't so addicted to food and shelter I would quit this lousy job.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that works opposite hours than you so you never have to see them.

   Do you ever feel like you're in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?

   When I was little we didn't have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.

   no need to scroll further, as it only get worse from here...

   Your Facebook posts are like your children. Some go on to become successful and others make you look stupid.

   These Jehovah's Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.

   Most immigrants still have a lot to learn about America. Like, if you're going to take a day off, take Friday, not Thursday...

   If becoming "religious" has made you more judgmental, rude, harsh or a backbiter, you need to check again if you are worshiping God or your Ego

   watchin' the Fall leaves dance in the wind..... Hopefully, their Waltz will end up in the neighbor's yard! : )~

   I can't believe Google is c0cky enough to start guessing after one letter.

   I'm no longer addicted to carving jack-o-lanterns. All thanks to the pumpkin patch.

   Whenever you're talking to someone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 100

   The devil and I go way back. It all started that day we were playing with matches!

   I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking then you, and standing next to her you look ugly.

   I'm tired of the Police ruining my fun, they said it's "Illegal" to take up an entire aisle in toy section at Walmart by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

   They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We'll see.

   Today's level of difficulty is shaping up to be "Wheelie on a unicycle."

   Nothing ruins a perfectly pleasant day like going to work.

   We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.