Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm shy at first, but once I'm comfortable with you get ready for some crazy s$it.

   I'm starting to think the Jackson family might have some problems.

   The world is made up of kids who can't wait to grow up...and adults who wish they hadn't.

   Uh-oh. My guardian angel just enrolled in the witness protection program.

   I do this thing where I suddenly become visible to people only when they need me.

   If I wasn't so addicted to food and shelter I would quit this lousy job.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that works opposite hours than you so you never have to see them.

   Do you ever feel like you're in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?

   When I was little we didn't have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.

   no need to scroll further, as it only get worse from here...

   Your Facebook posts are like your children. Some go on to become successful and others make you look stupid.

   These Jehovah's Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.

   Most immigrants still have a lot to learn about America. Like, if you're going to take a day off, take Friday, not Thursday...

   If becoming "religious" has made you more judgmental, rude, harsh or a backbiter, you need to check again if you are worshiping God or your Ego

   The only reason I get up in the morning is so I can drink at night.

   Today my girlfriend of 5 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she said I was the other guy.

   R.I.P. Rodney King...I'm not quite sure, but getting drunk and smoking "hippy lettuce" in the pool seems to be about as good of an idea as hiring Robert Wagner to be your swim coach...just sayin!

   I saw some chick get her nipple pierced last night..... Man, I am so bad at darts when I'm drunk.

   Why isn't “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?

   Sometimes I zone out and forget what I'm supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.