Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pretty much all of the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

   I'm so ugly the kids gave me candy when they came to my door.

   People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.

   If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don't slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.

   I don't care what you listened to on spotify.

   I just got a new Easy-Bake Oven for the blanket fort, don't tell me how to impress a woman.

   At home: I want to go out, I want friends. When I go out: I want to go home, I hate people.

   Every mile you jog adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 85 you can spend an extra 5 months in a nursing home at $8,000 per month.

   You know you are a Facebook Drama Queen when you post pics of yourself crying.

   I don't know why my girlfriend insists on buying me Lunchables, Fruit Roll-Ups, and Pudding Cups for my lunch at work, like I'm in Kindergarten... She knows damn well they won't fit in my Scooby-Doo lunch box!

   Why is Facebook going public? They couldn't figure out the privacy settings either?

   it's funny how gas can drop $10.00 a barrel and the price at the pump stays the same for a week or so, but if it goes up a dollar the price at the pump jumps right away.. that's just F'd up, if you ask me.

   Let the record show the plaintiff wore an Ed Hardy shirt, skinny jeans & Crocs before the assault. Your honor, he was clearly asking for it.

   knockin' boots. Okay, maybe knockin' snow off my boots, but still.

   First the doctor gave me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me..

   My car keys are kicking my ass at hide and seek.

   If I don't answer my phone the first time you call, calling 5 more times isn't going to make me answer.

   On this day thirty years ago.. Mtv still played music videos.

   I was planning on procastinating today but I think I'm going to put that off until next week as well

   A picture speaks a thousand words, but with photo-shop, it tells a thousand lies