Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill

   It's amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people's mistakes.

   Lying in bed, wondering if it's worth it to get up and pee.

   The iPhone- checks my facebook, checks my email, organizes my music, calls my Mom, and now it tracks my whereabouts? It's like having a jealous psycho girlfriend in your pocket.

   When you start complaining that all your dreams have not come true, you have to realize that not all your nightmares came true either.

   How come whenever I tell someone I play guitar, they challenge me to Guitar Hero? I have never challenged a veteran to Call of Duty.

   Am I the only one who sits in the car when it rains, picks a raindrop, and cheers for it to beat all the other ones to the bottom?

   in an open relationship with Maria Shriver

   That awkward moment when you get hung up on and you continue the conversation alone to attemp to fool the other people in the room..

   The new facebook has been renamed "Facebook Inception". It has a newsfeed within a newsfeed within a newsfeed.

   Hello, I am the new Facebook Representative in your area. You can give me your check or money order for $29.99 a month for your account to stay actvie...

   Some people have thousands of friends on Facebook, then they turn off the computer and they have nobody.

   Hey Facebook.. Your new "From Earlier Today Section" Suuuucks! Its doesn't even go in the correct time! 10mins ago.. 4hrs ago.. 2hrs ago.. 8mins ago...Wtf?!

   Don't get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are.

   American Idol would be so much better if Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets were the judges.

   I don't care what you listened to on spotify.

   I just got a new Easy-Bake Oven for the blanket fort, don't tell me how to impress a woman.

   At home: I want to go out, I want friends. When I go out: I want to go home, I hate people.

   Every mile you jog adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 85 you can spend an extra 5 months in a nursing home at $8,000 per month.

   Pretty much all of the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.