Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.

   "Is that your dog?" "No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"

   Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.

   Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.

   You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.

   Spoiler alert: Your '97 Nissan Sentra doesn't need one.

   Sorry I invited the firefighters to your wedding, but I know a disaster when I see one.

   Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes

   A new study reveals that parents who spend more time on their smartphones have more negative interactions with their children. While parents who spend less time on their smartphones are really mad that they forgot their charger.

   This liquor store needs a dollar menu.

   I think for next season's "Survivor" they should take 16 congressmen and make them get jobs in the private sector.

   I don't understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I'm always ready for bed.

   The best feeling in the world is realizing that you're perfectly happy without the thing you thought you needed.

   Sherman...eat a snickers

   It was Judy Garland who went Over the Rainbow you a$$hat!

   Love yourself, just don’t do it in public. There are laws against that type of behavior.

   It should be a rule that if you're going to put you kid on a leash, you can't be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

   Just told my dog "Don't walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don't.

   A girl punched me today. Does that still mean she likes me? And if so, why the mace?

   my life is like Jurassic Park but with no dinosaurs, just the part about a fat guy who resents his employer