Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The biggest mistake I have made in my life is letting people stay in my life far longer than they deserve..

   Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.

   Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.

   The spider in my shower was probably relieved to get washed down the drain after the view of me he got from that angle.

   Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?

   Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

   Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???

   Marriage tip: Don't

   I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

   What did the hurricane say 2 the coconut tree? Hold onto your nuts,this is no ordinary blow job...

   pissed..he just bought a DVD entitled "Tiger's 18 Favorite Holes", and the damn thing is about GOLF!!

   Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can't hit me with a quarter!

   Went to see Hot Tub Time Machine... turned out to be raunchy, simple-minded, sophomoric, crude, brainless, poorly executed slapstick. Yep, it was right in my wheelhouse.

   I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

   Vodka+Ice damages your kidney. Rum+Ice damages your liver. Whiskey+Ice damages your heart. Gin+Ice damages your brain. Damn Ice, how much more damage can you cause?

   I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.

   Tried to change my password to Twilight but got an error message saying it contains too many useless characters

   Unless you've figured out how to air condition your yard, don't invite me to your June or July outdoor weddings.

   Time to photoshop my life Touch up the edges, adjust the tones,blur out the background, focus on me, and crop people out...

   If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray, a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda you will get a free colonoscopy