Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For the record, you'll need a turntable needle.

   If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.

   I've never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I'm prepared.

   Found a cigarette butt next to the mousetrap in my room. Like he sat there and thought about it.

   I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

   I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack:)

   please ignore this status, I am standing in public alone and I don't want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am textin

   I have a question for all government officials and anyone who supports SOPA/PIPA. Do you really want to piss off ALL those hackers all at once?

   If you can't spell " Attorney ", your parents should call your school and demand a refund .

   Stupidity: Running over a string 10 times with the vacuum cleaner, picking it up, looking at it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

   Steven Tyler is quitting American Idol after two seasons! I sure am going to miss that old lady!!!

   I remember when the M in MTV stood for Music not Maternity.

   I liked you better before we met.

   My local post office uses four checkouts unless it's really busy; then they use one.

   This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...

   There's nothing more awkward then asking "who is this" when getting a heartfelt holiday text.

   A jealous woman does better research than the FBI....

   If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it.

   My dream job would have two desks — one for work and one for flipping over in blind rages.

   Nothing brings 2 people together faster than the hatred of a 3rd person