Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kim Kardashian settles lawsuit with Old Navy over stealing her likeness; also settles with The Gap over stealing her nickname.

   Only 10 days until Facebook is stacked with return to the gym statuses and pictures of salads.

   The Price Is Right losing horn should play every time you think you've found a parking space but it's actually filled by a small car or motorcycle

   To all my Friends: I need to be more active & spend less time on the computer, so December 31st will be my last day on Facebook for the year . I will return at the start of the New Year on January 1st. Thank you for understanding, I'll miss you all dearly

   Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since Friday.

   The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.

   ‘No heel is too high when pointed up the ceiling.’

   So 78,000 people applied for a one way trip to Mars huh? Hopefully they were all members of congress...

   Overprotective parents raise the best liars.

   I just counted 37 things at my work that I could kill my boss with.

   My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.

   Why no, stranger, I CAN'T believe how early it gets dark now despite the fact this phenomena has occurred every single year of my existence.

   I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.

   How come know-it-alls don't know how annoying they are?

   Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.

   How long after walking into someone's house is it acceptable to ask for their wifi password?

   freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

   Just paid 2 dollars in quarters to put air in my tire... This inflation is out of control.

   I'm in a book store and a liberal clerk helped me. I asked for the new Trump book on his immigration policy. She said, "F-you! Get out and stay out! I go, "Yes, that's it, do you have it in paperback?"

   All cursive neck tattoos should just say ‘child support.