Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's a shame that people who start a sentence with, "I know it's none of my business," never leave it at that.

   I won employee of the month!!!.... again! I love being self employed.

   so I'm guessing Ashley is either a girl that dumped your pathetic ass or a hottie that stole you boyfriend? You're a loser either way..

   North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has declared war against South Korea, saying 'we will make them pay for Psy and his Gangnam Style"

   I don't want to 'complete' anyone, I would rather date someone that already has their sh*t together....

   Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don't Stop.

   If you can't handle me at my drunkest, you don't deserve me when I'm sober.

   I don't take my wallet to work because I'm afraid someone will steal it while I'm sleeping.

   You can find true happiness inside yourself! Haha, almost had you. I'll meet you at the liquor store.

   OLYMPIC GYMNAST 2012: Jumps 20 feet in the air, defies all laws of physics, does 10 backflips, defeats voldemort, comes back down and lands perfectly on the balance beam while fireworks go off in the background. ME: I fall on face as I try putting socks

   I hate when I can't find a decent status update to steal.

   Sometimes its just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.

   Watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.

   I could really, really use some shenanigans.

   A kid came to my door dressed as Tony Romo. I asked him why he had no candy in his bag. He said he used to but he turned it over.

   I wonder if Disney is gonna make the Epcot Center look like the Death Star now

   I think my virginity is growing back.

   Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day.

   I'm at my white trashiest when I'm on the front porch with a group of people trying to figure out why the cops are 2 houses down.

   My life coach advised me to run out the clock.