Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The people who need firecracker safety tips aren't the people who read firecracker safety tips.

   As far as I can tell, the only thing ghosts do is set up obstacle courses when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee

   If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.

   Girls with big boobs, stop saying "my eyes are up here" ...I know your eyes are up there, but all the fun is down here.

   Just changed the names of all the girls in my contact list to: "Jake, from State Farm"

   I just won an award for being lazy,,,It even came with atrophy

   Safe sex back in my day was not getting caught.

   I think Mitt Romney should pick Hologram Tupac for his running mate..

   How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.

   Skinny Jeans: For guys who took "I got in her pants" the wrong way...

   Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"

   I can't seem to find Funkytown on Google Maps.

   Whenever I get a friend request Facebook should allow me free access to their wall and pics regardless of privacy settings so I can see who I'm dealing with. Some of you are so creepy your profile pic might as well be a white panel van.

   Thanks to Jersey Shore, Crayola has a new color....Whorange.

   Glad my work doesn't do drug tests cause everyone would find out I'm a loser who doesn't party

   Birthdays then- 'Wow! Look at all these presents!' ... Birthdays now- 'Wow! Look at all these notifications!'

   Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.

   I'm sick of closing out every job interview with "I was young. I needed the money."

   Every time I hear someone say Right About Now, I end it with Funk Soul Brother.