Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems

   So thankful my childhood was filled with imagination and bruises from playing outside. Instead of apps and how many likes you can get on a selfie.

   Religion is like a buffet. People take what they like and ignore the rest..

   Why is it that when you finally make something idiot-proof along comes a better idiot?

   Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy

   Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.

   Can you even imagine how long the Carfax report is on the Batmobile

   PRO TIP: You can put a baseball card between the spokes on a Prius, and make it sound like a real car

   Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.

   Men are born with a gene that allows them to know what the hell is going on in movies.

   The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for half an hour...

   So far so good. haven't heard anyone use the word SWAG this year.

   mother nature... turning february into white history month...

   I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn't reach the toilet paper.

   Glad my work doesn't do drug tests cause everyone would find out I'm a loser who doesn't party

   Birthdays then- 'Wow! Look at all these presents!' ... Birthdays now- 'Wow! Look at all these notifications!'

   Just changed the names of all the girls in my contact list to: "Jake, from State Farm"

   I just won an award for being lazy,,,It even came with atrophy

   Safe sex back in my day was not getting caught.

   I think Mitt Romney should pick Hologram Tupac for his running mate..