Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just got a text saying... I'm Not The Girl Ur Mother Warned you About,,, Her Imagination Was Never This Good. Umm... you wanna come over?

   Kama Sutra has finally been published as an audio book. Unfortunatly the audio is provided by Gilbert Gottfried.

   thought the iPad was for the iPod for Bostonians

   Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember

   our finger prints last forever on the people we touch

   Heart palpitations count as cardio, right?

   Ready for my new work out video ABS of BEER!

   I have my own way of doing things... generally clumsy and usually late.

   They say the universe is expanding...shouldn't that ease up the traffic?

   If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"

   It's nice when a grocery clerk asks if I found everything OK, but if they really cared they'd have all this sh!t in the same aisle for me.

   Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers arse.

   A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 60 and I still don’t know.

   On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

   Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first. For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

   I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

   How can you tell if someone plays the bagpipes well?

   I think the wife has started to show signs of Alzheimers. She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me !

   2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

   It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong.