Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 323 of 6439

thought the iPad was for the iPod for Bostonians
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01-28-2010 09:37
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Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember
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02-04-2010 22:43
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our finger prints last forever on the people we touch
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03-23-2010 17:02
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Heart palpitations count as cardio, right?
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10-24-2010 15:04
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Ready for my new work out video ABS of BEER!
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10-29-2010 22:01 by Mckibben
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I have my own way of doing things... generally clumsy and usually late.
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11-04-2010 12:27
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They say the universe is expanding...shouldn't that ease up the traffic?
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11-06-2010 11:04
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just wants someone to tell me how Facebook ends so I don't have finish all this reading.
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04-25-2010 00:53 by paulb808
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I've got all the money I'll ever need....... as long as I die by four o'clock this afternoon.
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04-27-2010 15:09 by champ33
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has been temporarily disconnected from AT&T...and my iPhone...where in the hell am I?!

Tourist Resort is a place where no one knows how unimportant you are at home.

The best audience is one that is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk."
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06-15-2010 10:07
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If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"
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08-27-2010 11:49 by gator
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It's nice when a grocery clerk asks if I found everything OK, but if they really cared they'd have all this sh!t in the same aisle for me.

Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers arse.
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07-20-2020 10:33
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A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 60 and I still don’t know.
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07-27-2020 12:06
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On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
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08-24-2020 14:38
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Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first. For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
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09-28-2020 09:43
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I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
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10-07-2020 13:14
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How can you tell if someone plays the bagpipes well?
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10-19-2020 15:07
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