Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .569 seconds...the amount of time it takes me to get away from a spider.

   Rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around.

   All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy!"

   just ripped a hole in my American Eagle jeans. I'd be mad but I think they just went up in value..

   Nothing screams "I don't care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.

   Sometimes I think that life is one big test...and I'm in the wrong classroom.

   We the unwilling, led by the unqualified, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.

   I bet Bin laden now reqrets letting his Facebook "Check In" at his current location

   bin Laden's last words..."hey, did you hear your Iphone is secretly tracking where you are, crazy right?"

   saw another of those adverts telling me to send my gold in an envelope addressed to Cash for Gold...... Sorry, but I just don't trust my postman that much.

   Alcohol kills slowly...So what? Who's in a hurry?

   I feel like when someone in a heated argument turns to me and says "You agree with me right?" What they are really asking is "Am I going to have to yell at you like this dumbass over here?"

   If I text with "Almost there!" I haven't left yet.

   I'd like to thank my ex for making me see how I shouldn't be treated

   if a guys internet history is cleared, please dont shake his hands...

   I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn't home when you called."

   A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. A stupid person makes it.

   My uncle came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.

   People who say "No, and here's why..." need to realize that we stopped listening after the "no" part.

   A successful relationship is one in which one person shuts up when the other is right.