Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In the wild of Alaska, large packs of Discovery Channel cameramen can be spotted drinking from the lakes that thaw out in the summer months.

   You're not truly a Canadian until you've used maple syrup as lube.

   With all the complaining on FB, I'm sure the world's social injustices will be righted in no time.

   Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?

   Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.

   Kim and Kanye name their newborn son Saint West because it will take a miracle for him to turn out normal.

   It's such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV

   I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.

   Been watching Sharknado. When did Tara Reid turn 60??

   My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.

   Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people's funerals.

   9 out of 10 Status Updates sound more official if you simply add the phrase "9 out of 10".

   What about female suicide bombers? Do they also get virgins?

   Call me crazy, but I really prefer the term mentally ill

   Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.

   I'll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.

   Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.

   the last time I visitied a gym I was being graded on it

   I belong to a gym...let me rephrase that, I don't belong there. but I go anyway....

   When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you.