Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating? After 20 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".

   Cheer Up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn’t elected president, until after serving 27 years in prison.

   According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!

   If your day ends in pizza, you have nothing to complain about :D

   Today I connected all the freckles on my arm with a Sharpie. It spells out RIKSHAZ9LIRK. Clearly I am The Chosen One.

   If a girl gets a free drink, it doesn't mean she'll be interested, it'll only mean "YAAY FREE DRINK!!"

   Be careful when it comes to reincarnation…. one time I asked to be a singer and I spent 30 years as a sewing machine.

   For Sale: New Nunchucks. Will consider trading for a bag of ice and a new set of marbles.

   How come the week always lasts longer than the money you have?

   I am not defined by my past. I am prepared by it.

   does this "no fly zone" mean I can't use the trip to Libya I purchased from my Nigerian lottery winnings?

   The only reason I would want to see Donald Trump elected as president is so we could see what his hair does when he gets off of that big helicopter...

   pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.

   i love it when I get tailgated on a bumpy road and the driver behind me has no time to avoid the really big pothole that takes away his body kit.

   I think I'd probably just pay for a Klondike bar.

   People who don't know what they want should not use the drive thru!

   There are two types of people in the world: those who know how to handle stress and those who need bail money.

   Saying “I forgive you” is the kindest way to tell someone: “I still think it's your fault.”

   I still lie to my parents about drinking. I'm in my 30s.

   Facebook asks me what I'm thinking... Twitter asks what I'm doing... 4Square asks where I am. Conclusion: The internet is my girlfriend.