Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A 90 year old cashier in the speedy checkout lane.... Good move Walmart.

   Of everything I've ever accomplished in my life, I'm most proud of the fact that I've never seen an episode of Jersey Shore.

   I've been told by several women that I'm a great listener. A majority of whom, have huge boobs.

   Please understand that my "May attend" response to your Facebook Event is my polite way of saying “Hell no”

   Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.

   I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

   When I win the Mega Millions...The first order of business is buy the company I work for. Second, fire myself and collect unemployment...double dipping

   Pepsi and Coke can't even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

   Wanna know what it's like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

   n't it interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering

   Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.

   Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…"Lose weight now" ...”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.

   It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist's finger before she stops believing that you're doing it accidentally.

   Dear DR Phil, I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was having a wank I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?

   When people try extra hard to cover the keypad as they enter their pin at the ATM, I always want to whisper, "I saw it" when they're done.

   cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass...

   Never be ashamed of who you are. Be ashamed of who you pretend to be.

   When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."

   Ever see an ugly woman with 3 or more kids, and wonder to yourself, "Who KEEPS f*cking you?!"

   I was alone in the house last night, lying in bed, and all of a sudden I heard someone fart. I didn't know whether to laugh or be scared as hell.