Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A guy just busted down my door and claimed to be a Bounty Hunter. I said, "You won't take me alive!" He looked at me as if I had two heads, then stole my paper towels.

   My kids must be so confused about what an adult is.

   A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you" so I said "because my tweets are funny" We laughed and high-fived & now I'm in Jail

   PLease don't talk to me about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel all week and haven't had time to watch it yet.

   I keep failing this captcha test and now I think I may be a robot

   Amazing fact #362: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the NHL first started requiring helmets in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

   Oh, my bad. It's Ash Wednesday, with an 'h'... Sorry, honey. You can go back to sleep.

   Woman claim that they are good at multitasking. If so why can't they have sex and a headache at the same time

   I've been married for 14 years. The bad part, I don't recall ever breaking two mirriors.

   i wish I was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo

   Show me Karl Marx's grave and I'll show you a Communist Plot.

   [boiling pot] Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

   I just threatened to stick my toes in my husband’s beer in case you thought I’m normal in person.

   I got a restraining order from the Costco bagel sample lady.

   Does everyone have that neighbour who fixes his car every weekend, even though nothing is wrong with it? That’s twitter in human form.

   Threesome? No, thanks. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd have dinner with my parents.

   Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview? My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

   If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

   Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

   Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.