Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

   No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

   Blowing on the vodka in my coffee cup to convince the rest of the Zoom meeting it's coffee...

   Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns. I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?” Now, I’m blocked.

   Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

   i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

   I made a belt out of herbs; what a waist of thyme.

   Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

   My favorite part of Forrest Gump is when a guy with an IQ of 75 gets accepted to the University of Alabama.

   Looking on the bright side of being in quarantine… Now all those stolen office supplies just look like good planning.

   After today's news, I am pretty sure the Clinton's kryptonite is Weiners.

   Nothing puts me into the #Christmas spirit like #shopping. On Dasher, On Dancer, On Prancer, On VISA.

   "Oh wow, it's a fruitcake! I'm going to eat it right now" said no one ever.

   2 out of 10 people at Starbuck's today said, "Thank you," when they were handed their coffee like basic human decency is so fuckin' hard.

   There are as many white rappers as there are black country singers and for the same reason .

   In hockey and in women.. periods temporarily stop the fun .

   Overture, turn the lights! This is it. The night of nights. No more rehearsing and nursing a part. We know every part by heart! Overture, turn the lights! This is it. We'll hit the heights! And oh, what heights we'll hit! On with the show, this is it!

   I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

   If a fart can get through underwear and a pair of jeans how can a mask made of cloth protect you from Corona?

   $1.4Bil stimulus sent to people who have died when there are folks still waiting for their 1st check? who cashing em?