Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The FDA says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as "airplanes".

   determined to slam a revolving door...I will do this!

   Nothing will cure your baseball game hunger for a hotdog than a fat guy sitting in front of you with a 5 inch butt crack staring at you.

   "I'm not drunk!" is an argument only very drunk people think they can win

   Life insurance advertisements during "Final Destination". Touché insurance companies... touché

   goin to go to wal-mart and when the intercom comes on sit in an isle rock back and forth saying the voices are back!

   William Shatner (capt Kirk) will be staring in a new sitcom based on a twitter feed. This isn't the first show inspired by social networking. "Dateline Predator" was based on Myspace.

   When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

   If I don't appear to be listening to you, don't take it personal. I am just not interested in what you're saying.

   Hey ESPN,this is not MTV...How about showing some scores and highlights and keeping your opinions to yourself.enough with the drama.

   What is it with Facebook games like Mafia and Farmville. I guess people need to balance their murder and violence with beets and little lost sheep.

   just drove passed a Budweiser Delivery truck wrecked on the side of the freeway, oh the humanity... I'd like a moment of silence please...

   Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

   Only spell it "errbody" if literally each person in the club is gettin tipsy.

   Men who don’t understand women fall into two categories: Bachelors and Husbands.

   The difference between sexual harassment and seduction. Is the first is done by men, and the 2nd one is the same thing but done by women.

   I only work out to stay just skinnier than the guy at the bar next to me...

   We all spend that extra minute or two brushing on the day of your dentist appointment...

   Pimpin' actually is pretty easy and I'm getting tired of everyone saying otherwise.

   Every time someone walks by my desk I make sure to have the Hooters website up just so no one thinks I'm a nerd doing work.